


i’m trying to fall out of love, it’ll take a long long time

by truedinosaur



Series: steve bucky poetry [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bitterness, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Love Poems, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Poetry, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Prose Poem, Unrequited Love, end of the line my ass, steve was selfish and not in a good way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 18:29:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truedinosaur/pseuds/truedinosaur
Summary: bucky’s thoughts on the new past, and what steve could’ve done.





	i’m trying to fall out of love, it’ll take a long long time

i’m in our empty living room

and you’re back there

enjoying a life

where i’m not.

 

i hope her laughter echoes off

the walls,

like yours did here.

 

i sleep on your side sometimes

and dream of

torture and pain,

and it always ends with

you wrapping your arms

around me.

 

but you aren’t.

it’s another unspoken wish:

whispers only five am will understand

and you, somewhere else.

 

i can’t go back and get you

because back there

i’m screaming and

you’re dancing;

 

my cries a distant

echo in your walls

the record player

drowning

it out.

 

_it’s been a long, long time._

 

your name falls off

my lips like honey

and it’s sickly

but i can’t stop.

i’ll get ill, i can never have you

but i can’t never have you.

 

the honey dries in my mouth

my jaws are stuck together

any words that aren’t yours

aren’t worth it, i

can not. i can not do

or be or say anything else

 

but the great man i once knew

who would’ve caught me

as i caught him.

once, in a bitter tasting dream.

 

i will live without you

even though you’re here

your face, a grecian sculpture

a dark reminder– you have missed me

but i never left. you didn’t have to.

 

the dimples in your cheeks only

remind me of cheek kisses

every day, cheap lipstick

thinning the skin.

 

the laughter lines that i gave you

at sixteen

that she got to see when

i should’ve. your cheesy jokes

are etched into my skin. and i can’t

get them out, i need to.

 

your aged face makes me homesick.

homesick for a place i could’ve been

just us.

 

your hands remind me of

sarah’s, wise. the hands of

someone who left.

 

only, you had a choice.

you could’ve saved her from TB.

saved the doctor

saved me.

 

you chose not to;

 

those blue eyes only remind

me of the things that you have seen

that you didn’t see.

 

i love you– you can’t hear me.

i’m hurting– you can’t see me.

 

i do not want my heart anymore,

you shoved it back in my sore palms

in seconds– after i have been digging it out

for over seventy years.

 

take back my bleeding heart,

i hope it keeps you warm

as she did.

 

whilst my body

ached in the snow. 

**Author's Note:**

> STILL VERY VERY BITTER. 
> 
> follow my poetry instagram @liliaspoetry !  
> or my twitter @mindlilacs 
> 
> thank you for reading!


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